A cynic’s guide to real estate sweet talk
Ads that pitch a property for sale, often say one thing, while hiding an entirely different picture. Here’s my tongue-in-cheek exposé of the hidden subtext behind some commonly used expressions in the real estate world.
Real estate sale’s puffery spins a cocoon of cosy deceit. Its lazy clichés lure and lull the uninformed potential buyer with promises that exaggerate the desirability of a property in the hope of lubricating a deal.
Estate agent speak is an exercise in deliberate obfuscation. Dislocation. Dislocation. Dislocation. By default, all apartments and homes will be presented as ‘immaculate’, pools as ‘sparkling’. Don’t be duped by the smooth talk. The following ‘translations’ will help potential buyers slash through the hyberbole:
- ‘In a sought after area’ (often spelt ‘sort after’, since estate agents are notoriously bad spellers) = neighbourhood with absolutely no redeeming features.
- ‘Architect-built’ or ‘renovated by an architect’ (we would hope so) = badly conceived or rethought by an interior designer to pass off particularly inept lay-out as a deliberate aesthetic choice.
- ‘Needs TLC’ (Tender Loving Care? Ha!) = needs to be dynamited and redone from scratch.
- ‘Charming’ = ditto TLC. Totally outdated and tatty or a cottage masquerading as a house.
- ‘Lots of potential’ or ‘olde worlde charm’ (sic) = a dump.
- ‘For the discerning buyer’ = NOT.
- ‘In the vernacular’ = stands out like a sore thumb, i.e. ugly and outdated.
- ‘Intimate cottage vibe’ = claustrophobic and pokey.
- ‘Pied-à-terre’ (spelt in a variety of hilarious, but uninformed ways) = hole in the wall.
- ‘Serious seller’ = property has been on our books for far too long at too greedy a price and it’s getting stale. We’re ready to slash wrists, but not so much the price.
- ‘Oh so divine!’ = hoping to attract the arty types.
- ‘Lovely fixer-upper’ = for people with nothing better to do than fight with building contractors.
- ‘Neat as a pin’ = as tiny as a pin’s head – only a prick will fall for it.
- ‘Dream house’ = in a nightmarish neighbourhood.
- ‘Versatile home: option for dual living’ = cajole your über-wealthy single aunt into a live-in proposition so that she can stay under the house but pay for half the property.
- ‘Lock up and go’ = minuscule, with a garden (if you are lucky) the size of a stamp.
- ‘Ideal investment’ = noisy and small, sometimes run-down.
- ‘Side sea-view’ = sea usually only visible from the balcony’s side edge – if there is one – or, if you poke your head out of the toilet window, twisting sideways, you will be rewarded with a glimpse of a blue pencil line in the distance (similar to the Parisian real estate promise of ‘vue sur verdure’ or ‘views onto greenery’ = view onto a patch of green the size of a bowl of salad).
- ‘Walking distance to the beach / sea’ = absolutely NO sea view.
- ‘Secluded’ = tucked away up a difficult-to-access cul de sac, perfect for – surprise! – organised crime visitations.
- ‘Renovator’s dream’ = a dump we’re trying to sell at a premium.
